The Hope of Grace
As the nurse handed me my newborn baby girl for the very first time, I slowly pulled back her pink blanket and looked into her sweet face. I gently carried her lifeless body over to the bedside where my wife was lying. We both nervously, yet earnestly looked at the little one God had given and taken away. Tears streamed down our faces as we raised our hands to God in praise, for He was with us even in the valley of the shadow of death and we feared no evil.
I could not help but think back to the beginning of our journey with this child - the one God had used to show my wife and me His grace. For five years, after the birth of our two daughters, we tried desperately to have another baby. My wife longed to hold another child, of her own, in her arms again. We tried everything known to man, but as soon as we exhausted all of our own avenues, God stepped in and in HIS time, He fulfilled our desire. I remembered how ecstatic my wife was when she called to tell me that we were going to have a baby. Everyone was overjoyed! Our daughters, had T-shirts made with “I’m the Big Sister” written on them, as we all excitedly prepared for the arrival of the new member of our family. With beaming faces, my wife and I attended every doctor’s appointment together. Then one day, November 17th, I’ll never forget that day, I could not make it to one of the scheduled visits. That’s when my cell phone rang and I heard words that I had never expected to hear. My wife said, “The doctor found something wrong.” Her blood work came back positive, and it would require immediate testing. My heart sank in my chest and I wondered why, of all times, I had to miss this visit.
As I sat with my wife as she lay there on the table awaiting her ultrasound, we tried to be calm and trust in the Lord, but fear was still creeping into our hearts. Especially as we noticed that the nurse got strangely quiet. A concerned look slowly replaced the smile on her face. Immediately my wife said, “What’s the matter?” The nurse told us that she saw that something wasn’t quite right, and suggested that my wife go and drink some caffeine to see if it would make the baby more active for a clearer reading. Our first response to this news was to call our family and church’s prayer chain. We knew that if we have ever needed prayer, it was right now. After the second ultrasound, the head doctor came in and confirmed the nurse’s results, which sent us upstairs for a second and more detailed opinion.
Before we went for the third ultrasound, my wife and I stopped at the chapel in the hospital to pray. I’ll never forget listening to my wife pray as she told God that she trusted Him and would willingly receive whatever path He decided was best to lead us down. As her husband, I wanted to take away her pain, I wanted to be the strong man, but I felt so helpless. I too was facing a trial I did not understand. This had to be the hardest moment of our lives, as we had to let go of the situation and place it in our loving Father’s hands for Him to use and mold into a masterpiece for His glory. As we walked the long hallway in the hospital for the third time that day, we knew in our hearts, that no matter what the outcome, God was still good.
The ultrasound revealed several other things that were wrong with our daughter. The nurse said that she had a cleft pallet, a problem with the wall of her brain, she couldn’t swallow correctly, her kidneys weren’t formed right, and she only had two chambers in her heart instead of four. Our baby’s heart was broken and so was ours. The doctor explained that she was a chromosome 13 baby - which was not very hopeful for her chance of survival. Through an overwhelming flood of tears, we asked if her problems could be mended, and the doctor said that each one in itself was fixable, but no newborn could survive a surgery to fix all of the problems that she had. All we could numbly ask was, “What do we do?” The doctor then suggested that we terminate the pregnancy since our daughter wouldn’t live anyway. The idea of that angered me, and I told the doctor that she needed to come up with another suggestion. My wife was greatly upset by the doctor’s remarks and told her that it was God who gave our baby life and God who would take it away if and when He saw fit.
As all of this painful and shocking information started to sink in, we both realized it was going to take God’s grace to see us through to the end of this road. So, we decided to name our daughter- Destiny Grace, because we knew that she was destined for God’s grace in Heaven. Our family and church were very supportive and encouraging. God had thoughtfully placed many praying people in our path to keep us lifted up before His throne of Grace. Without the prayers of the saints, we couldn’t have made it through as we did.
The doctors were not very optimistic and told us that Gracie would not live much longer. Knowing that we only had a short time with Baby Grace, I really wanted to be able to hold her- to be able to be a part of her life on earth somehow. After all, mothers have a connection in the womb that no father could ever experience. So, I would sing and talk to Gracie as I rubbed my wife’s stomach. Then one night Gracie popped her little head right up to where my hand was rubbing. I sat there and talked to her like that for a few minutes, and it seemed as if time itself had stood still as God gave me that special father/daughter time with her. My girls, along with my wife and I, kept praying that God would work a miracle and heal our Baby Grace.
Months went by and Grace continued to grow. The doctors were astonished as each month we came back for our next appointment. On February 16th, three months after the worst news of our lives, my wife went to the doctor for her routine check-up. This day was different, my wife said, than other times that she had gone, because she felt so uneasy inside as if something had gone wrong. The doctor listened for a heartbeat, but found none. Numbness set in, our baby was gone, and once again I felt helpless. Not only was my wife hurting, but also my daughters. They told me, “Dad, I can’t believe this is happening to me.” Shamefully, I must admit, we thought we were the only ones feeling the weight and pain of this trial, yet here were my girls saying they didn’t know how to handle their pain either. But God was faithful and gave our family a song to sing through this night season of our lives. From our hearts, we sang the words, “I raise my hands to Heaven, Lord, You gently wipe my tears away. There has never been a time when you failed me. Dear Lord, I thank You for touching me today.”
The next morning it was time for Grace to be delivered. The drive to the hospital was quiet, because we felt so excited to finally hold her, but yet sad knowing it would be the one and only time we would hold her on this earth. As parents of this extra special child, we wanted to share our newborn baby with family and friends, the ones who had spent so much time on their knees praying for Grace. Through the 37 hours of labor, we felt the peace of God, and we were so grateful. Finally, the moment came for our daughter to be born, February 18th, weighing 3 pounds and 21 inches long. I can remember looking into her face with every emotion possible. Happiness and sadness, joy and pain, fear and peace, all swept over me at once. My wife and I gazed at her tiny face, amazed at how beautiful she was. In that hospital room, the presence of God surrounded us in such a real and sweet way - as if His arms were wrapped around us, holding us close to His heart. But then, all too soon, it was time to say goodbye. It was so hard to leave the hospital the next day without our baby girl. As we walked to the car, tears were streaming down my wife’s face as she told me how empty she felt without Gracie. Her arms just ached to hold her again. Yet we were so thankful to have had the time that we did to hold her. Now it was time for God to hold her for us in Heaven. The day of Grace’s Home-going celebration, there were many tears. But just as Hannah in the Bible told the Lord she would give her child back to Him if He would bless her with one, so we too carried Grace’s coffin to the altar that day, and gave her back to the Lord with a song of thanksgiving.
That was not the end of God’s grace for our family. The Lord, our great Comforter, began healing all of our hearts, and about five months later, my wife and I wanted to try again to have a baby. Soon after, I got the phone call that she was pregnant! We were all so happy, but still there was that little nagging fear in the back of our minds, “Would we lose this baby too?” However, the doctor said that the chances were one in a million of the same thing that happened with Gracie, happening again. The blood work this time came back perfect! There was absolutely nothing to worry about!
The five-month check-up was soon at hand. Just like before, I thought there would be no need for me to be there, with everything so perfect. Without warning, my wife called saying that once again, there was no heartbeat. The doctor cried when he had to tell us that this baby had also past away. Our girls were devastated - my wife and I were shocked. This death was so sudden; we had no time to prepare ourselves for this. It had been different with Gracie. That night we were sent home, only to come back the next day for the delivery. It seemed to be the longest night of our lives.
I remember how confused we were as we took that dreaded long walk again down the hall of the hospital to the delivery room. We really didn’t know what to feel at this point. My whole family and I were stunned. Again, our family and church came out to support and comfort us through all 18 hours of labor. Then, eleven months after we had buried Gracie, my first son was born on January 25th. He was 5-1/2 inches long and weighed 1.4 ounces. We named him Jonathan David, which literally means, “God has given a beloved”. The nurse took him for an autopsy and we found out that the umbilical cord had slowly collapsed, cutting off our son’s oxygen level little by little. Even through all of that, the Lord was good to us by letting us have some of the very same nurses take care of us that we had a year ago with Gracie. They were greatly moved by witnessing God’s strength in our lives as we went through this valley yet again.
Passing the nursery filled with healthy babies was very difficult for us as we left for home the next morning. Numbness had set in, almost as if we didn’t want to have feelings. When we got home my wife just wept and begged God to take the hurt away. It seemed to her that it kept getting worse as the shock died down and reality and post partum depression came on. The doctor put her on anti-depressants to help her cope with the loss; it only took about a week to realize that if you trust in a pill, you’re not trusting in God. I still did everything I could to help her, but eventually, it was just between her and the Lord. Then one day, standing in the kitchen of our home, all the emotions my wife had, exploded all at once, and she cried out, “God, help me!” I couldn’t help but think of Peter when, surrounded by his circumstances he began to sink, and he cried out “Lord, Save me!” and immediately Jesus stretched forth His hand and caught him. Just like Peter, the Lord stretched forth His merciful hand and caught my wife. Immediately, there was a peace that flooded her soul.
After that day, God started giving us much reassurance. He showed us that He gave us this trial because He knew we could handle it. God said that He would never put more on us than we can bear (1Cor. 10:13). Until those trying days though, we did not know what we were capable of bearing. My family and I wanted our losses to be Christ’s gain - to survive the fire and come forth as gold (1Cor. 3:11-15). Our Pastor’s wife told us something that we would never forget… She said, “Don’t let Jonathan and Grace’s death ever be without a purpose.” We remembered that statement both times we held those tiny coffins and walked them down the aisle together to lay at the altar before our God. Jonathan David and Destiny Grace were given back to God to be jewels for His crown. Their short lives weren’t in vain, for they both taught us to never leave out hope - hope in a mighty God who knows what He is doing in every detail of our lives in order to bring glory to His name.
At this time, my wife and I are the blessed parents of a healthy little boy named Samuel Timothy, who is a joyful addition to my family - my family of five children. We look forward to the day of being reunited with Jonathan and Gracie in Heaven, and we hope to be able to personally introduce them to you there one day.
Will you be there? Do you feel that you have no Hope?
Through our trial, our hope was in the fact that we knew we would see them again. David said, after the loss of his son: “…can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.” (2 Sam. 12:23) The Bible says: “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me” (John 14:6). The only way to know your going to Heaven is to realize you’re a sinner, “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; (Romans 3:23). Because of your sin, you must die: “For the wages of sin is death…” (Romans 6:23a). You will die physically, but you will die spiritually also: “And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death” (Rev. 20:14). “But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). True hope is to receive that gift, “…the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord” (Romans 6:23b). Salvation is simple, “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. 10For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation” (Romans 10:9-10). This is the most important part, “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved” (Romans 10:13).
Friend, if there has never been a day in your life when you’ve asked the Lord Jesus to save you, today could be that day.
We are not promised a tomorrow, would you receive Him today?
“Jesus, I know I am a sinner, and deserve to go to hell. But I’m asking you to forgive me of my sin, come into my heart and save me. I am trusting your Word and receiving you as my Savior. Thank you Lord for saving me today. Amen”
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May God richly bless you and your family through any valleys you may go through!